The other day I posted how I realized that I have a lot of deep-seated anger that prevents me from truly moving on with my life. Though I know that I’m growing leaps and bounds from where I’ve come from, and I have all sorts of confirmations to indicate that my perception is realty, there is an equal amount of evidence to point to the fact that I have a lot of tender, raw, unhealed places.
I realize that I can’t fully heal until I employ the other eff word—Forgiveness.
I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly forgiveness is to better understand why I haven’t been able to embrace it like I know I should (yeah, yeah, I know “should” is a bad word). I’ve been mulling over these thoughts in a mental chart, so I thought its best to write it in the same way I think it. “Wanna hear it? Here it go!” (Throwback to In Living Color)
.. Not wishing that person to bear the consequences of his actions.
.. Not feeling fresh pain when recalling said “wrongs.”
.. Seeing the past as lessons, not as a series of mistakes or grievances.
.. Having gratitude for those lessons.
.. Being in the present or looking to the future.
.. Not harboring resentment.
.. Not assuming that other people will behave in the same way as that person that wronged you.
.. Seeing a person or situation as God sees them (human, flawed, unique, and on a journey), not as the _____ (insert negative descriptor) that they come to represent to you.
.. Compassion with healthy boundaries that take care of your Self, soul, spirit.
All that sounds nice and spiritually attuned. In reality, there are barriers to truly being able to forgive ourselves and others.
.. We’re not ready. We haven’t allowed ourselves to truly admit, feel the pain, and accept the truth of the situations from which we are trying to heal.
.. We are afraid we won’t be able to stop the pain that will come from fully admitting that truth.
.. We’ve become our stories. If we aren’t the victim of ____________ then who are we? What is left? Is what’s left worthy or special anymore?
.. We’re afraid that to forgive will open the door to that person or someone like them hurting us again.
.. We don’t trust ourselves.
.. We are afraid that we won’t be discerning in the future and will be blindly vulnerable.
That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I know these coming days, weeks, and months will shed light on actions I can take to address those things on my barrier list. Until then, I remain (and always will be) a work in progress. In liberation.