Change can be hard. Really hard. It forces you to examine every minutia of behavior or thought, wonder about its intention, and it even makes you question your own beliefs. During my own transition, I find myself wanting desperately to slip into old patterns because quite simply, it’s easier. I know very well how to be codependent, how to be passive aggressive, how to be defensive, how to have self-pity, and how to be self-deprecating. It feels like each and every step towards the authentic me that I know is there is like learning how to walk all over again, and I just want to give up and cry out about how hard it is.
Now, learning new behaviors and ways of thinking can be hard when they’re forced and you are trying to conform to an image of who you think you’re supposed to be. But I’m learning that it can be just as hard to return to your truest self if you never practiced being her. I know it’s my truest self that I am aspiring to be because it’s the Self that’s revealed to me when I examine my heart of hearts. It’s the Self that God and the Universe is conspiring to reflect back to me in the opportunities and people who have come into my life. It’s the Self that I’m proud of and feel safe and secure being. Still, this evolution (or maybe “unraveling” is more accurate) is hard stuff, and life won’t let me call time-out anymore.
Last Sunday’s talk spoke to this conflict between excuse-making and following through on what your spirit is called to do. In the lesson, the pastor shared four responses that God gave Moses when he was in fear. I wrote down those responses and a few more nuggets of truth I gained from fellowshipping with friends, and I’ve found that having that simple list of reminders to be a necessary touchstone to get me through these trying days. I open up my phone, scroll to the note, read it, unclench my teeth, breathe through the always-lurking panic attack, and am reminded about God’s promise and my healing.
I challenge you to create your own reminder list of your goodness, the truth you know, and that you are not alone. Take it out at least once a day and more if you need it. While it’s easy to have clarity when things are going well, we quickly forget it when we’re in the midst of crisis. I promise you that the truth during those trying times is still the same, so figure out how to keep your knowing of it constant. We will all be well because of it.